115 Things You Can't Do While Serving Abroad the Enterprise
by mynamemattersnot
Summary: There are rather special rules on the Enterprise that must never be broken or a demon from a parallel universe will come to eat you. These are a few of the rules.
1. You Shouldn't

**115 Things You Can't Do While Serving Abroad the Enterprise**

**Author's Note: Boredom reigned. I am sorry SVU Productions this story idea came directly from reading one of your stories of which I give you ultimate credit. I got rule ideas from other fanfiction stories (which I also take no credit for), episodes of Star Trek (which I do not own), and random thoughts that appeared in my head. I own nothing.**

Do not mess with Q.

Do not make Jean-Luc Picard hold a screaming child.

Do not use a trip rope on Worf.

Do not reprogram Data into a party-crazed teenager like one from the twenty-first century.

Do not go a year without telling Wesley or Data to shut up.

Do not take Geordi's visor and hide it under the captain's chair.

Do not twerk on the bridge.

Do not bring an animal on the bridge.

Do not challenge Worf to a fight.

Do not stare at Counsellor Troi's cleavage.

Do not go near Spot.

Do not walk around the Enterprise naked.

Do not yell "I love you Edward Cullen" to Commander Data.

Do not vandalize Starfleet property.

Do not play an instrument badly.

Do not shave off Riker's beard and hair while he is asleep.

Do not call Picard by his first name.

Do not steal the Krabby Patty secret formula.

Do not punch a Vulcan.

Do not pretend you can speak a language you never have heard or do not speak.

Do not tell Data to break a leg.

Do not have sex in the ready room.

Do not switch the artificial alcohol with real alcohol.

Do not poke the bear.

Do not call red alert for attention.

Do not set the Enterprise on fire.

Do not put hair remover on Worf's beard.

Do not make fun of Picard's baldness.

Do not put a woopie cushion on Picard's chair.

Do not cut holes in Guinan's ridiculous hats.

Do not reprogram the replicators to only serve cat food.

Do not throw a pie at Picard.

Do not play loud heavy metal music over the communications system.

Do not teach pranks to Data.

Do not steal Riker's condoms.

Do not start a band with Geordi.

Do not draw on Data's face.

Do not skydive out of a view screen.

Do not write "Picard Sucks" in the Enterprise's main bathroom.

Do not hit Worf with a baseball bat.

Do not challenge Data to a staring contest.

Do not bully Wesley in front of Dr. Crusher.

Do not steal all of Counsellor Troi's chocolate.

Do not switch Riker's poker cards to a cheap set of magic cards.

Do not sit on Picard's chair.

Do not try to steal from the Enterprise.

DO not make a serious high price bet with a Ferengi.

Do not Gandalf Style! 8D!

Do not bring a dog to Data's quarters.

Do not ask Will Riker to marry you.

Do not stick a "Kick Me" sign on Worf's back.

Do not question Data's accuracy.

Do make fun of Wesley.

Do not propose to Luxuana Troi for marriage.

Do not ask Troi what cheerleader squad she is on.

Do not kick Wesley from the bridge.

Do not ride a motorcycle onto the bridge.

Do not enter a math contest for Androids.

Do not give Geordi a book for Christmas.

Do not attempt to steer the Enterprise into the sun.

Do not fire upon a Romulan vessel first while you are in Romulan territory.

Do not install a member or members of the crew with special powers.

Do not invite Q onto the ship.

Do not rename the Enterprise "Lollipop".

Do not awaken Mortuary.

Do not call the computer fat.

Do not prevent Picard from discovering something new.

Do not activate the self-destruct for laughs.

Do not tell the crew they are only fictionous characters.

Do not install unruliness in Alexander.

Do not steal Data's memories.

Do not reactivate Lore.

Do not eliminate all the sweets from the Enterprise.

Do not become a werewolf.

Do not spend a whole day without speaking a word.

Do not tell Data to get lost.

Do not start an argument with Picard.

Do not have a logic battle with Data or a Vulcan.

Do not pee all over Worf's room.

Do not sabotage Geordi's engines.

Do not make Data's quarter a mess.

Do not walk around with your eyes shut.

Do not talk to yourself.

Do not fake death.

Do not disguise yourself as Picard and act like an idiot.

Do not try to make Data angry.

Do not try to teach Sela humanity.

Do not volunteer yourself for Borg assimilation.

Do not go trick or treating to people's quarters.

Do not smoke cigars in Ten Forward.

Do not try to steal someone else's job.

Do not hypnotize the crew to your advantage.

Do not engage in a long conversation with Data.

Do not try to sell Data to a Ferengi.

Do not kill Tasha Yar needlessly off of Star Trek.

Do not create clones of Riker and/or Picard. (Come on isn't one enough already?)

Do not create Data so he looks exactly identical to his brothers.

Do not let the creeper spy on you.

Do not scare Barclay.

Do not spend all day on the holodeck.

Do not reprogram the teleporters to create a new lifeform.

Do not use the holodeck to create real wild animals and release them onto the Enterprise.

Do not jump on the turbolift.

Do not spill soda on the bridge.

Do not steal Data's arm or head.

Do not challenge Data to a tap dancing competition.

Do not insult the French.

Do not cut the power to the main computer.

Do not switch Dr. Crusher's medicine with placebos.

Do not treat Data like a machine.

Do not mess with the environmental controls.

Do not change the crew into animals.

Do not negotiate with Q.

Do not challenge Guinan or Data to a phaser firing contest.

Do not teach your pet bird to say, "I hate Star Trek."

**Author's Note: Well I hope you liked it despite the fact I kind of ran out of all the best ideas at the end. I do not own Star Trek or SpongeBob Squarepants or any dances mentioned or that one song. Please review. 8D! **


	2. Angry Computers & Evil Turbolifts

**Author's Note: I'm adding more chapters to this story dedicated to breaking the rules. Horror and karma were my inspirations for this chapter.**

**Rule Broken: Do not call the computer fat:**

Lieutenant Commander Hobson hated computers. In fact, he despised machines in general which were really only good for doing work for humans which was a task which they also would fail at often. In his opinion, all this really made machines stupid and good for nothing. So when they told him he was being temporarily stationed on the Enterprise with the android who tried to act like it was high and mighty over him, he was pissed off. That machine thought it made a good captain, thought it made good decisions when fact was that he put hundreds of lives in danger all based on stupid calculations and random speculation.

"Computer, get me some water fifty degrees Celsius." Hobson ordered curtly and rudely.

The computer processed his order and the replicator began to do its job, but instead of water he saw a rather large medium rare steak sitting there.

"You useless computer I asked for water!" Hobson exclaimed.

The computer instead replicated a perfectly excellent chocolate sundae which only made Hobson more irritated.

"Computer, you are not only a stupid machine but you are fat as well! I asked for water not food!" Hobson yelled.

The computer seemed to respond to his statement, but instead of receiving water the replicator shoot out several gallons of replicated yogurt at Hobson. Suddenly, water began pouring overhead like a waterfall drenching the lieutenant.

"You idiotic machine," Hobson exclaimed.

"I am sorry, I thought you had asked for water." The computer stated.

"I didn't-"

"Are you sure you wish to change your environmental controls to freezing conditions?"

"No, no don't."

"Processing."

"No, stop you stupid computer."

"Then do you wish to apologize for your insults."

"I'm not apologizing to a machine."

The temperature in the room began to plummet dramatically. Hobson attempted to get out through the door, but for some reason the manual override was not functioning. He tried to tap his communicator, but he wasn't getting through to anyone. Instead, he was stuck in this room about to freeze to death because he had too much pride to apologize. As his predicament got worse exponentially fast, Hobson had no choice but to abandon his pride.

"Ok, ok I'm sorry, please stop," Hobson pleaded shivering.

The computer finally stopped and the temperature began to return steadily to normal.

"Remember, I am not fat or stupid, or this will happen again," The computer threatened. Hobson only nodded with slight fear knowing if he mentioned this to anybody, nobody would believe him. He instead kept his mouth shut and avoided speaking his hatred towards machines.

**Rule Broken: Do not jump on the turbolift: **

A young human officer was bored and the turbolift ride was taking forever. She could have sworn the turbolift ride was taking far longer than it should have and her impatience made it irritating. She looked at the functions to make sure it was still moving and it was, which was strange because it almost felt like she hadn't moved in an hour. She tried desperately to fill the time with mindless pacing, but it wasn't working. She was bored out of her mind. The ensign stared at the doors in anticipation but that did nothing but bore her more. She tried counting, but stopped at about one thousand in complete frustration. She hummed three songs she knew well to herself and still the turbolift hadn't reached its destination.

In a last ditch effort to entertain herself, she began jumping like she did on turbolifts as a child and for a while forgot all about her insane boredom of the plain old turbolift. She felt euphoric as she had when she done it as a little kid and she laughed with joy. She imagined she was weightless even though she knew that would be impossible. She was absolutely and completely filled with joy as she jumped.

However, her joy was suddenly interrupted by a monstrous noise that seemed to come from just outside the turbolift. Before, she could move a single muscle the turbolift seem to jump up and down almost exactly as she did in a malevolent attempt to mock her. She could have sworn if a turbolift could laugh, it would have as it jumped tossing her to and fro violently like some wild animal or an evil villain would have. It was absolutely horrifying like a nightmare except for the fact she believed with all the belief in the universe that this wasn't some cruel and exceptionally vivid dream. It finally desisted all its evil tricks and she fell to the ground like a rag doll. The evil little turbolift finally opened its doors to Geordi and Data in engineering which wasn't even where she had been trying go.

"Ensign, are you ok? We detected a serious malfunction in the turbolift." Data said.

The ensign stands up slowly as if afraid that the turbolift will attack her again.

"Uh, I think I am." She answered getting out of the turbolift quickly.

"Well, we will get it fixed soon so you can take it if you want." Geordi stated.

"Are you kidding? I'm not going back in that thing anytime soon. It's evil!" The ensign shouted.

"Why are you referring to the turbolift as evil?" Data asked in confusion.

"Because it is! It threw me around on purpose!"

"Ensign don't be silly, the turbolift isn't evil. Data and I will even prove it to you." Geordi stated seriously.

They finished the repairs and got inside the turbolift, but before Geordi or Data could specify a destination. The turbolifts doors closed quickly and the lights inside shut off completely leaving Geordi and Data in absolute darkness. As if it were possessed by a demonic presence, the turbolift seemed to shake and convulse as if it were alive. It thrashed violently until the two officers fell hard on the ground. The walls themselves began to come alive with the words: "Do not jump on me, or you will release my fury." Geordi looked on in absolute horror and wondered if he were asleep or intensely imagining the whole thing. It rattled like an earthquake before finally exhausting its anger and opened its doors back in engineering.

"I told you the turbolift is evil," The ensign said fearfully running as far away from it as possible. As Geordi looked back towards the turbolift he began to wonder if the ensign was right or if those horrific events were all only a creation of his imagination.

**Author's Note: Well, did you like it? Review to tell me which rule you would like to see broken next!**


	3. Hissing Cats & Wailing Children

**Author's Note: These were written for recommendations on what rule to do next. If you wish to request one, do review. I credit Star Trek to Gene Rodenberry. I own nothing, but the dog named Regal which is based off a real dog named Regal (my aunt's dog) 8D!**

**Rule Broken: Do not bring a dog to Data's quarters:**

Lieutenant Hayes looked everywhere for Regal, but he couldn't find his dogs. He searched every hallway and every corridor. The dog was gone and nowhere to be found. He couldn't even believe that he lost his dog in the first place. Every door on the starship was programmed to open to only humans. So how on Earth had Regal escaped? Or who on the starship would ever let him out? As Hayes looked around, he finally accepted that Regal was lost and he would have no other choice but to go to security.

Regal the dog found himself in a new place that was perfectly neat and tidy. The dog excited ran around making somewhat of a mess in the absolutely clean room. His joy was suddenly cut short when he both smelled and heard the sound of a cat. The orange female cat spotted the dog almost as instantly as the dog discovered the cat's presence. The cat immediately hissed its hair springing up like those pictures of Halloween cats. The dog only stood his ground and barred his teeth slightly showing the cat Spot that he was prepared for confrontation.

Spot attacked the dog first before the dog had a chance to even defend and scratched the dog harshly causing a high pitched bark to come forth from the dog. Data walked into the room and immediately saw Spot and the dog fighting or rather Spot fighting and the dog losing.

"Spot," Data chastised loudly and pulled the cat away from the dog. The dog immediately desisted his struggle and showed his belly in submission. The cat calmed down in his arms and he was able to approach the dog without Spot or the dog lashing out. He looked at the collar around the dog's neck which read: **MY NAME IS REGAL**. On the other side of the collar it read: **MY OWNER IS HAYES**. He knew he would have to return the dog to Hayes. Before, he left he quickly surveyed the room and discovered how disorderly it was and frowned not knowing whether if it was Spot, Regal, or both the animals that had caused such horrid destruction to his room.

"Computer, we is Hayes located?" Data asked.

"Lieutenant Hayes is in his quarters?" The computer replied.

"Can you show me where?" He asked.

The computer beeped in response and bright orange arrows appeared on the black stations. He followed the arrows for only a few moments with the dog trailing him eagerly and Spot in his arms. After a short moment, the dog grew immediately disinterested and immediately laid on the ground.

"Follow," Data commanded yet the dog would not budge.

"Come," He said raising his voice a little louder, but still the dog ignored him.

"UP," He yelled in slight irritation and impatience despite the fact he was thought to be emotionless.

This time the dog stood up and continued to follow him through the hallway to the quarters. With his free hand Data pressed the door chime. Lieutenant Hayes answered the door and his face immediately brightened as he saw Regal.

"Regal, there you are! I thought I was going to have to call security to help look for you." Hayes said. The dog immediately jumped up at the sight of Hayes.

"Down," Hayes commanded in a tone that displayed disappointment and pointed to the ground causing the dog to immediately sit.

"Thank you, commander. I thought I would never find him." Hayes said to Data. He sees the cat. "Is that how he got all those scratches?"

"Yes, lieutenant, and he also came into my quarters…." Data began.

"Oh, I'm sorry, commander. I promise Regal won't interfere with you or your cat again."

**Rule Broken: Do not make Jean-Luc Picard hold a screaming child: **

Picard was walking through the hallway prepared to return to his quarters. On his way there, he saw a security officer with a small toddler. He didn't really think anything of it as he passed. A few moments later, the security officer came running down the hallway.

"Emergency, hold him," She shouted shoving the young boy into his arms.

As she ran off quickly, the child began to scream loudly. The child cried and wailed at his lungs and unfortunately for him he couldn't cover his ears while holding the boy. He attempted to comfort the small child by humming a nursery tune he had known as a kid, but the kid only continued to scream. He attempted to set the child down gently, but whenever he got the kid close to the ground, he would only wail louder. Picard quickly gave up the endeavor knowing he would still need his hearing if he wanted to proceed with being a captain.

The young child continued the scream and Picard said all the comforting words he could to get him to stop, but it didn't work. He was only drowned out by screams. Picard attempts to rock the child gently and the child finally stops screaming. He sighs with relief and is about to put the child down when the child suddenly gets an odd look on his face. Picard is puzzled by the look and before he could even react the child vomits all offer his uniform. He is absolutely mortified by it. He instantly holds the child further away half-afraid he be covered in the contents of the little boy's stomach once more. The security officer returns and takes her child away from him. She immediately notices the vomit on the man's uniform and instantly mutters an apology.

As she spots the insignia on his shirt, however, she instantly rises up and says, "I am sorry, captain. I did not know-"  
"At ease, lieutenant. All is forgiven. Just don't let it _ever_ happen again." Picard replies.

"Yes, sir." She says before going off with her son.

As soon as she is gone, he allows the horror at his uniform show on his face. Tonight, he will have no choice but to take an extremely long shower.

**Author's Note: The first event is based off of several real life situations. The second was inspired by movies. 8D! Please review!**


End file.
